Proof That You've Lived: Ashley "Fattner" and Body Image

Kids are mean. Trust me. It was kids that nicknamed me Ashley Fattner growing up. It was kids who teased me about my weight. Even at a young age, I was fat. I had an okay diet, I just had fat on my body. Needless to say, it ruined my spirit. I began to hate my body, while I was still in the single digits of life. Before my body had even started developing. These bullies had put an idea in my head, but no one could have been worse to me than I was, and still am. It is something I have to work on every single day; teaching myself to talk to myself in a way similar to those I love. If I would never tell my best friend that she looks disgusting, why would I say it to myself?

"Jealousy will never serve you, because we all have our own paths." 

Self deprecation is a very common thing, and how we do it these days, speaks volumes about our society. For instance, I tell my trainer that if I had her body, I would wear underwear to school. She has a great body; strong, fit, and lean. What I am really saying to her, has nothing to do with her, and everything to do with me; Comparing her body to mine. I am just starting on my fit journey, and she is practically a Sherpa, leading others towards theirs. She is there to coach me, not to be a beacon of envy. She is there to say come with me, not look at me.

"You don't need to defend where you are in life, at all." 

So, I have a lot of issues with my weight. It's been 23 years in the making, and with some of the things that surround us, and the way we not only talk to other people, but to ourselves, doesn't help. So my trainer Stephanie, shared an amazing video (right here) and last night, after a very empowering sweat sesh, I went home to my zucchini pasta, to get a little perspective. As I watched this video, I felt heat in my stomach, recognizing some behaviors that Kathryn talks about. The social media fat shaming, the self deprecation, and one of her quotes really hit home with me. "You don't need to defend where you are in life, at all." She means that I don't owe anyone an explanation for my body, because it is just that, mine. But this phrase resonates other places as well. You don't owe anyone an explanation or an apology for anything in your life. Yeah, I started a diet. Yeah, I am worried about my health, that's why I work out almost everyday. No, I don't owe you anything.

Another great point of this video, is how the ideal woman, the "real" woman, is portrayed in the media. Victoria's Secret Models are no more real than Lane Bryant Models, are no more real than myself; the tall, plus sized Ashley Trattner, who struggles to find clothes that fit my length, and my width. I have broad shoulders, and strong legs. Sometimes pants fit me around the waist, sometimes they don't fit at all. It all depends.

"Anything wrong with any part of your body, is just proof that you have lived."

When I was a freshman in college, I struggled with an eating disorder. I would binge on food, then feel so terrible, that I would force myself to throw it back up. I was at a low point, lower than low. All the scars on my hands, all the bruises that come and go from my legs and arms, the freckles, the gray hairs, the knee pain and the shoulder pain; it is a reminder that I have lived through and survived the things I have. My shoulders have held the weight of the world. My feet have touched the ground, and helped me travel. My hands do work, they help me eat, and help me do things everyday. My belly, holds in nourishment, and my arms pick up and hold my loved ones. The vessel my soul has come to, this meat suit as Kathryn calls it, is mine. It gets hurt to protect me. Why wouldn't I love it as much in return? Be kind to yourself, do good and do well.

Ashley