People in Glass Houses Sink Ships

I have been having a bit of a rough patch in my life lately, dealing with the day to day of school and work and general things. As each day passes I seem to tense myself up more and more over trivial matters. So, today I wrote down a list of everything I am stressing out about. Then in another column, I wrote what I can do about these stresses. It seemed surprisingly simple that the solution of "I need more money" was to get another job. And while getting another job isn't exactly going to be easy, it gave me a sense of peace to be able to have something to kind of just say "chill out". 

I have always been pretty high strung, as a product of my mom who dealt with a lot in her short life as a single parent, I believe I learned some of my anxious habits from her. I also believe I picked up some of her less attractive personality traits. She was an incredible woman, but she had insecurities like we all do. I learned to worry about money from her. I learned how to worry about bills, and debt collectors too. I also learned how to love someone unconditionally, no matter how they break your heart. I learned how to make the best comfort foods, and little tips and tricks about making people laugh, and tweaking your personality. I blame her for my insufferable sense of humor. So where does the vicious cycle of traits end? I have seen it before, my cousin is critical of herself because her mom is critical of herself. I am emotionally almost codependent on people whose opinions I value. I shouldn't need permission to live my own life or make my own choices. 

It's a harsh world when you really think about it, and because I lost my mom so early in the stage where you need to learn coping the most, I'm not sure I ever really learned how to properly. It's a work I progress, and a change that cannot happen overnight, but I am hopeful for a bright future for myself. I bring a lot to the table and I will no longer allow myself to sit on the edge of the room when there is a meeting at the table. Being present is everything. Being a gift is something different.